The Right Way to Fall Apart

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote. Even before the UK student visa restrictions, I didn't have much desire to write. I didn't want to just churn out "easy," feel-good content for people to read. As things got increasingly difficult, I decided to write only when I truly felt like it. I just let it be and only posted a few Stories here and there. But to every reader and friend who has been waiting and supporting me until I started writing again—thank you.

So... my third year (the final year of my Bachelor’s) has officially come to an end.

To be completely honest, this third year was pretty rough for me. My grades weren't great. I didn't make the shortlist this year. I missed classes. At uni, I practically became the "missing guy."

I won't talk much about the specific modules (dissertation, design, and tech). I might write about them slowly later if they seem interesting. What I want to talk about right now is why things fell apart so badly with my day-to-day routine.

At the beginning of the year, I tried really hard. My tutors liked my approach. I don't usually choose the easy route. I am practical. Whatever is in my mind, no matter how hard it is, I just go for it. For example, for my essay, I wrote about the post-coup situation in Myanmar. For my project, I based my design on the concept of "Home Away From Home." In a field as incredibly broad as architecture, I found my own niche, the things I genuinely care about.

The problem is... an approach that forges its own path relies entirely on self-discipline and time management. It requires immense patience. It also made it hard for the tutors to step in and guide me. It seemed fine at first, but as time went on, the daily grind became harder, and I lost my way.

On top of that... there were so many other unspoken frustrations and stresses. Especially "finances." That is a truly heavy burden. Being an international student, and not having family or a close-knit community here who can fully support you beyond just being acquaintances... I had to struggle through it alone.

With all these thoughts, I started losing sleep. I wouldn't sleep until 3 or 4 AM. I'd spend the whole afternoon doing absolutely nothing. I didn't study; time just passed by messing around. I started gaming. I spent a lot of money (which was just an outlet I needed at the time). I'd video call friends, joke around... but barely did any coursework. Weeks went by just cooking and being sleep-deprived. I felt like I was going crazy during both the first and second semesters.

Regardless... the third year is over. But I am not satisfied. I believe I still have the capability to do more. So, I will be continuing to my 4th year for my M.Arch (Master of Architecture).

From these experiences, here are the "takeaways" I want to share with you all:

1. The "Discipline" Behind Freedom and Rebuilding Choosing your own path, doing what others won't do—it's incredibly cool. But that freedom, without a daily "Routine", will end up killing you. No matter how big your ambitions are, if you sleep at 4 AM and wake up in the afternoon, you won't have the energy to bring those ambitions to life.

When I finally realized this, I started over.

• Waking up the body: First, I started running around Shotover Hill in Oxford. Breathing in the fresh air. But I got so thin from running too much, so to rebuild my body properly, I switched to hitting the gym.
• Diet and Grooming: In the mornings, I started making my own fruit juices. I began paying real attention to my diet. Instead of dressing carelessly like before, I wore the clothes I loved, neatly and properly. I even started paying attention to my scent, carefully grooming myself.
• The New Circle: I surrounded myself with new friends who shared similar situations and feelings... some doing slightly better, some in a worse shithole than me. Being with them, I didn't have to pretend. I could just be "me", freely and authentically.
• Hobbies and Love: I started playing the guitar. (I still suck at it, but I'm getting there). And right when I was rediscovering myself and living my best life, "someone" walked into my life.

I learned firsthand that "Routine" isn't about torturing yourself; it's the tool that pulls out the Best Version of you.

2. The Danger of Isolation When you're struggling alone in a foreign country, there's no one to scold you or stop you. From how you spend your money to when you sleep and eat, you're running on auto-pilot. When exhaustion hits, it's so easy to indulge yourself and go off track.

But I realized something here. In reality, that "isolation" is often something we create ourselves by shutting the door. I am in the UK. On the surface, the UK might seem cold and unfriendly, but when you truly need it, they have arguably the best support systems anyone could ask for. As a student, from Mental Wellbeing Clinics, Student Support departments, and Academic Coordinators, all the way to the tutors, there are so many people ready to help you.

To give you an idea, even my External Examiner specifically asked me, "Do you have enough support?" And I was able to confidently answer, "Yes, I do."

The problem is suffering in silence without reaching out. So, don't feel discouraged thinking you're all alone abroad. Remember that if you just open your mouth and ask (as they say, help is always given to those who ask for it), solid support systems are firmly in place here.

3. No Matter How Many Mistakes You Make, Never Choose the "Wrong Way Out" I made a lot of bad decisions this past year. But even in my worst moments, there is one thing I thank myself for: "I never looked for the wrong way out."

It's true I spent recklessly. But those expenses went toward personal items, skincare, and good food.

• I didn't gamble because I was stressed.
• I completely stayed away from alcohol and drugs.
• I didn't mess around with women.
• I kept my distance from places where it’s easy to ruin yourself.
• Most importantly, I didn't resort to dishonest methods just because I was broke or struggling. I didn't take advantage of anyone.

The Overall Message: As humans, when we get exhausted, when the pressure mounts, and when we lose our way, we make mistakes. Our routines can fall apart. Our mental health can drop.

But the most important thing is not to lose your foundation. When you collapse, only make the kind of mistakes you can bounce back from. Losing sleep, overspending a bit, gaming too much—these can be fixed the next day. But never use things that will permanently destroy you (addictions) or compromise your integrity as an escape.

This year was filled with mistakes, regrets, and feeling lost. But my core values remained unbroken. Now, I'm taking those mistakes as lessons and preparing for my next chapter (M.Arch).

No matter how exhausted you are in life, value yourself. Don't let yourself be destroyed. If you have anything on your mind you want to talk about, you are warmly welcome—let's discuss life.

Thank you for reading and supporting me. Moving forward, I'll be shooting and posting more photos and videos. That will be my little business.

— Moe